I just noticed this now. wow, thank you. I love you too
This is my story. This is the reason I have been absent for a while. I have been though a new period.
In my very short life I have been through series of bad events that have somehow affected my health – both physical and mental. I have tried more diets than most of you have probably heard of, because I have been on the I-need-to-lose-weight wagon since I had just turned 14, and was put on a steroid treatment. My highest weight has been 80 kilograms on my 171cm body, but on me the seemingly “little overweight” looks horrible, as my face has taken the shape of a bowling ball and my hips remind a juicy pear. But all joking aside, losing weight has never been a problem for me, and I have yo-yo dieted the same 30 kilograms over and over again for about 10 times now, which for me being only 19 years old, is a lot. 18 months ago I was put on a drug called topamax, which changed my life completely – I lost any sense of hunger, and became repulsed by any food, whatsoever. At first , I was shocked and saddened and horrified, but as I noticed how fast the weight started coming off, I began to love it. It went far enough for me to accept the constant suicidal thoughts, looking like a zombie, inability to drink carbonated drinks, hallucinations and other side-effects just because it finally made me lose weight without any effort. Soon another doctor took me off the drug, and deep down inside I knew it was a good thing, but I couldn’t help but to feel happy that my feelings of hunger did not come back ( and still haven’t, for that matter). I slipped into a full blown anorexia – I could survive from a chocolate bar for as much as a week, and sometimes I would go into a store and spend 40 minutes nervously checking every content label, and having decided that any calories are too much, left with a bottle of water. I was living alone at the time, so there was no one to control me and my best friend, being the oblivious head-in-the-clouds, she is, did not notice. I rejoined the gym, further reducing my calorie intake to 200 calories a day. It took me 3 weeks to attend the gym 7 times a week never leaving unless I had burned at least 1000, and consume only 200 calories, to pass out. Sure, I lost 20 kilograms in 3 weeks, but it only led to further consequences. I kept reducing my food intake to a point where I would survive entirely from diet coke, and water. I became anti-social and avoided any contact with people, I would skip school and ignore my family. At the time, my psychotherapist convinced me that I couldn’t continue on that route, so I began my recovery in March, 2013. I was not happy. No one I know has seen someone’s weight fluctuate as much as mine has – I can gain 5 kilograms in a week eating 2000kcal a day. I can only lose weight if I eat around 500 calories, which is a solid ground for a relapse. And I did. Again and again, because I hate how I have regained everything and I am now 77,3kg, and, of course, around 5kg are my 34I boobs, but still. I know I need to lose prior my breast reduction surgery, but at the same time my back is killing me as it is, so I was stuck in a binge-eating cycle, because I believed God wanted me to be fat and miserable. Anyhow, I recently (accidentally) applied for a job in the airport, and this once more proved to me that everything, indeed, does happen for a reason. I don’t think I have ever felt as inspired and motivated as I do now that I am working there. I am surrounded by happy, positive, and beautiful people, and it just makes you want to be like them. I want to lose weight to see the guys look at me just like I am sometimes looking at them. It isn’t even about hating yourself anymore, it is about loving yourself and knowing exactly what you want to become and how you must do it. I’m starting to believe that our weight really does begin and end with our mindsets. Taking into account my very strange body, I have given up counting calories, and if I do, I will only do it to curb my interest. The most important part, however, is that it took me 1 day at my new job to break out of the binge cycle, I had been trying to get out of for weeks. I remember now, how much I love not feeling full and bloated, and how much I love eating healthy. It will be a challenge for me, more than you can imagine, to lose weight and not fall back into the dark hole that my eating disorder is. I am not kidding myself, telling that I will eat 1500 calories a day, no, I am estimating I will eat around 800 calories and be active, but not overdo it. I am saddened to say that once you have suffered from anorexia, it is impossible to completely eliminate the mindset it has set. At least for me. My goal is to not go into extremes. To do it for the weight loss, and avoid the mentality it goes with. I have done a great job since January the 1st being a happier, more opened person. And truth be told, none of my problems have been solved, I have just decided to laugh them off, instead of feeling that I am just made for disasters and misery. This was the most dangerous binge cycle I had – binging on misery…. For 5 years. No more. And if a doctor can tell me that this is not recovery, but rather utopia, He truly has no idea how mental anorexia is. The weight loss aspect is too individual to fit one shoe for all. I am finally facing my demons, and not letting them define me anymore, and I truly hope each one of you, find the same peace of mind as soon as possible, and in the meantime, just know - I am here for you. Always.
Why is every teacher talking about weight and anorexia this week? I should have just stayed at home. I feel so nervous here. :(
why iphones gotta take two million years to turn back on after they die like you plug em in and you’re all ready to start texting again but they’re like “nope. i gotta take some time for myself. figure out who i am. you hurt me too much the last time. let me think.”
No problem fasting, really, because I didn’t have to leave the house. Apart from getting more water (which I procrastinated on for almost a day). It makes me feel even more determined fasting while I have a full fridge of stuff I love, as well as a cake and chocolate. Not interested, really. Haven’t yet lost anything, but I am sure that I will, once I get back to running around through-out the week. I feel good. I am experiencing mild headache once in a while, but I don’t mind.
As of determination, I feel like I can do it. Especially when I see the weight starting to drop, because I could reach my goal weight by the start of January and then see whether to lower it a little more or just maintain and tone.
This is a slippery slope though, because if I fail - I am setting myself up for a deep mental breakdown, because the only person standing in my way would be… me.
What keeps me motivated is all the changes I can make in my life, once I don’t have to worry about looking fat in pictures, life. I will be a different person. At least, I hope so.
December Challenge : Fast for 18 days, eat on Christmas (800kcal max), fast for 7 more days. + do hula-hoop for 20 minutes every day!
Ending date: January 2, 2014
Weight loss goal: 33lbs (15kg)
On the 18th starts the school break and when I go back in January, people will whisper behind my back about how skinny I’ve gotten, they will be scared I’ve gotten too fragile. I will reach my goal and then I will tone up and have a perfect body. I will do it and food is not going to fuck it up.